


memories

by kenhwan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 09:50:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12251931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenhwan/pseuds/kenhwan
Summary: i've been sad





	memories

It was so, so cold outside. But here they were, sitting on their balcony, which was probably about to fall in. Joshua pulled the thin hoodie tighter around himself. He would go inside, but it feels wrong. He should be out here. He should be watching the way the smoke from Seungcheol's lips floods the night air and catches the light. He should take a picture to remind himself one day of the way it looks like sweet creamer being poured into black coffee but smells of ash and death. So he stays. 

Seungcheol doesn't look at him for a long time, just looks down at the lights of Seoul and flicks down his cigarette butts. _He's going to get a cold_ Joshua absent-mindedly thinks. The elder's hair is still wet from the shower he took just an hour ago, and it has to be far below freezing. _We're both going to be sick and it's going to be my fault for not saying anything._

'Shua, stop thinking so much.' 

He frowns even more, glancing up to where his eyes will meet Seungcheol's. He knows how this goes. He knows how this night will end. He knows that Seungcheol knows he's thinking too much, because this isn't real. When the morning comes here, Seungcheol will leave for the last time, and he'll be alone. This is all a dream. A dream of a memory that he's lived a thousand times and will a thousand more. 

Joshua can't control it. Every single time, he wishes he was as clueless as he was the first and only time it really happened. He wishes he was all empty worries fixed by Seungcheol's reassurances and shared smoke this very moment when the elder leans over to kiss him. He focuses on the taste of the shotgun, the poison flowing out of Cheol's lungs and into his own. 

When they pulls away, there's tears spilling over the younger's cheeks. Something changes in the memory everytime and it scares him. One day, all of it will be so mixed up between the dreams and the real memory, he won't be able to tell up from down. It scares him because it's the last time he saw Seungcheol, alive just as well as dead. He can remember when it happened. He'd gave a small smile, followed by a cough. He had clean lungs, not prepared for nor wanting the intrusion of toxins. 

But now, this time, he was crying. His boyfriend reached up, wiping his tears away with his thumb. 'Don't cry, angel. You're too pretty to look so blue.'

He hates this even more. Because he remembers this part too. Because as he recalled, he didn't cry and Seungcheol sure didn't call him angel and give him that pretty smile that was fading by the day. Seungcheol had given him that little side smile that he gave when he was trying to smile for Joshua, but he couldn't quite get the motivation, and just looked back at the street below them. 

'I love you.' And that part was real. The realest part, and the part that scared Joshua the most in the first time, were those three words. He'd heard them all the time, honestly. It was by far the first time the elder had uttered those words to him but this- This time it was quiet and sad and Jisoo could tell - He could just tell. Something was wrong. Something had been wrong for so, so, so long.

Joshua's favourite book was _The Catcher In The Rye._ When he was 15, he read it for the first time. He liked how the book was so old, but Holden Caulfield's cynical, nihilistic philosophy was still so . . . Relevant. He remembers when he bought the book himself after reading it in the library the first time. He bought it with his birthday money, and just kept it with him all the time. After a couple years, the thing was so beat up from Joshua keeping it with him that it started missing pages. It was really no big deal at first, as he could tape them back in or he'd read it so many times he didn't even need the page, he already knew what was on it. But - Eventually, one day he picked it up to read it, and too much was missing. Too much of the story was gone. He felt like that.

Jisoo always tried to get Seungcheol to read it, but he would always say he wasn't a reader. He thinks Cheol would have liked Holden quite alot.

**Author's Note:**

> i've been sad


End file.
